Quick little post to say hi and answer a few questions.
Do I still read/moderate comments? Lordy yes.
Will I be posting again? Maybe.
Why have I stopped writing here? Needed a break from focusing so much energy on things that I can't change. If I'm moved to post, I will, but for now I'm trying to find a way to live, to fully live, without knowing the answers to the big big questions. Without resolution of the big big conflicts. Without all the things I need to have a real relationship with my family, which I actually have always really wanted and am sad everyday that I don't have. I'm trying to figure out what I'm willing to deal with, what I'm not willing to deal with, and what, if anything, I can do to have some kind of connection with my FOO. I am moving very slowly on this. As you know, it's complicated and fucked up. I've asked my mother not to contact me unless there is a genuine emergency, and she has respected that for a good chunk of time. But I don't know how to reconcile that with my deep down feeling that if things are to change, it will have to come from her. It's a paradox. It's a mess. Some days are harder than others in terms of living with the uncertainty and neurotic guilt of estranging myself from my family. I'm trying to honor what I know and remain open to what I don't. I'm trying to be a human being who doesn't cry everyday after work as I slip into old feelings of "fucking everything up" and being the one to blame. There are still days when I feel a black cloud of depression and pain. I'm learning to keep going despite all that, to keep going even when I don't want to.
I spent some time in the last month copying/pasting ALL my posts, with comments, into three big fat Word documents. I guess the virus thing got me a little freaked out about losing everything here, so rest assured, it is safe and looks to be very much available online.
Hugs upsi. You are doing great. Glad to hear that you are focusing on thriving. Good for you.
ReplyDelete"It's a paradox. It's a mess."
ReplyDeleteI'm discovering that that's the sad way of it.
Sending love your way, my little Upsi-Pants.
Love,
Jonsi
Trying to find the "love" button!
ReplyDeleteSo happy to see you in a better place.
Love and hugs, MOC
Really good to read this update. I'm a "newer" blogger, and have read through a bunch of your archives. They have helped me immensely.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is bi-polar with bpd traits. My dad's wife is...something. Right now, I have very little contact with either of them for my own sanity.
It's hard. Really hard.
Many blessings to you as you attempt to carve out happiness in this life. You deserve it.
Hugs Upsi, you are an inspiration to me, you and CZ, and the others who read, write and share. Glad to know you're still with us out here, and I understand entirely the need to calibrate your life. I started Raising Caliban two weeks ago, on a query by CZ, and it's pretty much taken over my time the last two weeks. I told myself no new posts until I've gotten other work done. We'll see how long I last. But it does get tiring living in NARC FOO world in your head and taking a break is so understandable and healthy. I'm glad to know you're keeping tabs from time to time, as I take comfort in your posts. Cal's Sis
ReplyDeleteBig hugs for you. I can definitely relate to just about all of what you're handling!
ReplyDeleteRegarding the paradox - yes, it is. I've thought about this myself. If the resolution has to come to my mom, but I don't want her to contact me, isn't that contradictory? Honestly, no. If she truly changed, I know that I would learn about it somehow. You would, too. Don't feel guilty about setting a boundary in place that you need in order to keep your sanity.
So happy to read your update! It's all a process, isn't it? ups and downs. Breaks are manditory, as Cal Sis said, breaking from the craziness in your head and moving forward with living your life. Your life.
ReplyDeletePeace to you Upsi.
Wishing you peace and joy too upsi.
ReplyDeleteMmmm.... my sensitive ears pick up an unusual tone, trend and texture in your words Upsi. Remember when I told you there WAS more; that there WAS unfinished 'business', but you were winding down slowly, and never asked? I guess I'll just have to keep an eye it....and press on a bit. Look back over your shoulder and see how much your circumstances have changed, how brilliantly well you've done in all fields. Find that sweet taste of personal achievement. I will deliver shortly.
ReplyDeleteWith a big hug from your friend across the pond.
It sucks to get to know someone who has their shit together and is bright and witty and wrapped as tight as any person can be.
ReplyDeleteBut to see them full of doubt and questioning themselves on just about any thing that really matters in a person's life because of a bunch of selfish effed up assholes.
If you need me you know how to find me.
Just whistle.You know how to whistle don't you? Just put your lips together.......
Uh wait..that's a Bogart movie.
You can e-mail. Try that.
Hi Upsi,
ReplyDeleteI still think of you a lot and hope that you and Hubs are having a good summer!
I have taken a one year break from writing any posts but have continued reading about once a month. I have just experienced a profound weekend visit with NM (and not in a good way) and can hardly work at my job today and will write to work through it.
--What remains behind
Glad to hearyou are taking a break from the reflection and crossexamination rollercoaster. I had a huge meltdown around mothers day funnily enough becausemy NM was being her selfish self and closed all communications with her, I didn't freak out, ask why she is the way she is or doesthe things she does, I just read her pathetic e-mail asked her to confirm if she was being honest to which she lied in her reply, so I just turned off my computer had a day or two reflecting and then sat back down and closed the account. A cowards way out, I know but I got so tired of the analysis and sympathising with a NM who plays with no rules
ReplyDeleteThere is an easier way to back up your blogs: Under Settings, go to Other, then Export Blog to a file on your hard drive. I do that all the time now, just in case my narcs try to shut my blog down.
ReplyDelete