Quick little post to say hi and answer a few questions.
Do I still read/moderate comments? Lordy yes.
Will I be posting again? Maybe.
Why have I stopped writing here? Needed a break from focusing so much energy on things that I can't change. If I'm moved to post, I will, but for now I'm trying to find a way to live, to fully live, without knowing the answers to the big big questions. Without resolution of the big big conflicts. Without all the things I need to have a real relationship with my family, which I actually have always really wanted and am sad everyday that I don't have. I'm trying to figure out what I'm willing to deal with, what I'm not willing to deal with, and what, if anything, I can do to have some kind of connection with my FOO. I am moving very slowly on this. As you know, it's complicated and fucked up. I've asked my mother not to contact me unless there is a genuine emergency, and she has respected that for a good chunk of time. But I don't know how to reconcile that with my deep down feeling that if things are to change, it will have to come from her. It's a paradox. It's a mess. Some days are harder than others in terms of living with the uncertainty and neurotic guilt of estranging myself from my family. I'm trying to honor what I know and remain open to what I don't. I'm trying to be a human being who doesn't cry everyday after work as I slip into old feelings of "fucking everything up" and being the one to blame. There are still days when I feel a black cloud of depression and pain. I'm learning to keep going despite all that, to keep going even when I don't want to.
I spent some time in the last month copying/pasting ALL my posts, with comments, into three big fat Word documents. I guess the virus thing got me a little freaked out about losing everything here, so rest assured, it is safe and looks to be very much available online.